In a Heartbeat Everything Changes

Celebrating Gandhi's birthday at the Taj Mahal
22w5d

We let joy permeate us. It oozed out of our pores.  It filled our hearts and our lives.  We shared our joy with the world.  The parts of us that laid dormant through our struggle to get pregnant breathed with life again.  We were joyful.  

When I woke up yesterday morning, 23 weeks pregnant with two babies I already love so much, I was filled with joy and was excited for our scan.  For the first time this pregnancy I was not nervous to go to the doctor.  All I thought about was how I'd get to see the babies' faces again and their little hands and feet.  I wondered if my suspicions of gender would be proved.  I thought about having the cribs delivered and when my amazon package would arrive.  The day sailed on quickly filled with joyful thoughts.  After dinner I had my prescribed ice-cream.  You see, the last time we went the babies were sleeping so we couldn't get the echocardiogram done.  Ice-cream helps the babies wake up and move around.  I happily obliged. 

Sure enough it did the trick.  When we arrived for our 7:30pm appointment the babies were rocking and rolling.  The doctor got right to it.  Baby A was being very cooperative and we ooh-ed and ahh-ed joyfully.  Baby A's little hand was nuzzled up next to his or her cheek and was measuring right on target.  Baby B was not being as cooperative.  After a few minutes the doctor decided to have me lay on my side for a while in the hope that baby B would turn around so we could get a good reading.  As we waited Jason and I chatted about baby names.  We made up some silly names.  We thought of special family members we'd like to honor.  We were joyful.  Our joy filled the room.  

When the doctor came back he was pleased that Baby B had turned to show us his heart.  When I saw the image on the screen I felt the joy leave me. I felt it leave the room.  In that moment with the beat of Baby B's heart, everything changed.  It was very quiet and I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.  I heard the doctor explain what he saw.  I suddenly felt very cold and started to shiver uncontrollably.  I knew it was very very bad.  I cried as the doctor explained that Baby B has a very rare congenital heart defect called Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome with mitral and aortic stenosis (HLHS). Without intensive, ongoing medical intervention he will not live.  With intensive, ongoing medical intervention he might live.  

This morning when I woke up, 23 weeks pregnant with two babies I already love so much, the joy was gone and I don't know what to do next.  We have so many questions and we don't know where to go to get them answered.  

How do I grow a baby only to let it die?

How do we choose a life of pain and surgeries and hospitals for a baby?

How do we give Baby A the life he or she deserves?

How do we do this in India where our jobs (and insurance) and friends are? 

How could we afford to go to the states to get our baby the care he needs if we leave our jobs here in India?

How could this happen to us after all we've been through?

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I've become the world's worst blogger.  My last three post have been about how I'm ready to get back into it.  I've been very unsuccessful at actually getting back into it and am feeling pretty guilty about it. This is supposed to be a place where I chronicle my journey to parenthood for my future children who are busy growing right now as I type these words.  It's not like I don't have anything to report on, I do! Babies, there's so much to say!  The thing is, I compose posts in my head and then never get to writing them.  It's just that all this baby cooking is making me so sleepy.  I hope you understand.
So, in an attempt to catch up here's...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

The Good:
There's so much good I almost don't know where to begin.  I love being pregnant.  I know I've said that before, but, it's true.  Aside from feeling tired come afternoon, I really feel good.  I've finally gotten the appetite I thought I'd have as a pregnant lady.  Apparently, I take after my grandmother who, during all of her pregnancies, ate chocolate everyday.  I must have a brownie or chocolate chip cookies at least once a day.  One of my most favorite things to do is to bake 2 cookies that have been scooped out of a tube of ready made dough and put a scoop of ice-cream between them. Heaven.
In my last post I was getting a bit worried that I hadn't felt the babies move much.  Well that has all changed.  These babies are rocking and rolling!  They are most active at night and oftentimes wake me up. Well it's either the babies or the fact that I have to pee.  Either way, I love feeling the little flutters and pops.  Baby A is more active than Baby B making me think that he or she is going to be a handful.
We've started doing some serious baby shopping.  We ordered our cribs and they will be delivered in a few weeks.  We got this amazing dresser that we will use for the changing table.  I ordered a bunch of baby related items to be delivered, some of which include a special breastfeeding pillow for twins, teeny tiny onesies and rompers, the city select double stroller and bottles for when I return to work.
But my most favorite accomplishment in the last few weeks is posting our pregnancy announcement.  I have been planning it for months and I finally made it.  Check it out!  Pin-tastic!

The Bad:

Three weeks ago there were some tears.  We went in for our anatomy scan on a Saturday morning.  I managed to make my appointment early so there weren't many people there.  The scan took about an hour.  The doctor spent a lot of time on each baby. She kept asking me if I was ok to which Jason responded, "she can look at these babies all day!"  We saw little noses and toes, thumbs being sucked and hearts beat beat beating away.  At one point I looked up at the monitor teary-eyed and thought, "I can't believe how much I love these babies already."  After the scan was finished we learned that my doctor was unable to see us.  On any other day this would have been inconvenient but really no big deal.  But, after waiting an hour to get the scan report it had become a lot more than inconvenient.  According to the report Baby B had two soft markers for Down Syndrome.  We had to wait an entire week to speak to my doctor about this.   I, somehow, managed not to freak out too much and waited to talk to my doctor.   I knew it wasn't going to be a good conversation.  I knew what she was going to say.  I cried nonetheless.  She told us that we could do an amnio to know for sure but it would put both babies at risk of miscarrying.  Jason and I already knew that we weren't willing to risk this pregnancy in any way.  Like I said before, we love these babies so much already. We decided right then and there in that office that it didn't matter, that we would be the best parents possible to whoever these babies are.  And just like that something that seemed so bad wasn't all that bad anymore.  

Here are my little lovelies growing bigger everyday.

The 20 Week Bump

And now in other news, the ugly:

Out there in blogger land lots of people have been asking about the state of the world, IPs planning trips to India in particular.  According to the media it's a pretty ugly place.  And, yes, there have been protests in parts of India.  Hate is ugly.  Fear is ugly.  But, there has been no sign of it here in Delhi.  As someone who lives in a foreign country and is surrounded by people who are unlike myself I often forget that  the world is full of hate and fear and misinformation. Fear not, Delhi is as safe as it has ever been.  

I have been reminded in the past weeks that it's important to stay informed.  But more importantly, I was reminded to look at things from other perspectives. Whether you are looking at a news story or an ultrasound report, does not matter,  a fresh perspective can make all the difference in the world.  

Peace.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

We've been back in Delhi for about three weeks.  And in our usual fashion we hit the ground running.  About 24 hours after our arrival we were gathering for our first faculty meeting where my principal announced my pregnancy to all of the elementary school teachers, many of whom knew of our struggles to conceive.  When I stood up and said that we were expecting two babies in January the whole room erupted in applause.  Of course, I cried.  It felt so good to be there standing in front of my colleagues who are really so much more.  I am so honored to be surrounded by such warm and supportive people. 

Telling a room full of people, also, scared the shit out of me, but, that wasn't the end of telling for me.  A week later I had to tell my students' parents.  The most terrifying experience of telling, however, was when I had to tell a room full of 7 year olds.  All I could think of was, "what if something happens, I'm only 15 weeks?"  There's nothing like a blind leap of faith to lift your spirits.  Since I've told I can't help but enjoy being pregnant.  It's wonderful, except for the severe constipation, food aversions and middle-of-the-night trips to the bathroom.  I still have those moments when I worry something will go wrong, but, the moments are fleeting.  I know that's just part of the journey and I allow my self to feel whatever  comes my way so that I can work through it and get back to enjoying being pregnant.  

Now, inspired by Tippy the trailblazer, my stats:

Status: 16w3d

Weight Gain:  I think this week is the first week I have actually gained any weight.  My first 13 or 14 weeks of pregnancy I didn't have much of an appetite. I didn't lose any weight but I have been noticing my face getting thinner.  I'm sure that's about to change.  :)

Symptoms: As I mention earlier,  I am suffering from some severe constipation.  This last stretch was 5 days!  I take citrocel and drink lots of water but it doesn't seem to help.  This morning I finally had a cup of coffee to get things moving.  It worked but then I felt like a terrible mother.  I know it's ok to have a bit of caffeine but I'm so not used to it that I ended up feeling like I had a whole pot.  I couldn't help but wonder what my babies felt. 

Cravings:  These have remained consistent from day one, ice-cream and fruit of any kind.  

Aversions: Onions, although I recently had some salsa for the first time and enjoyed it.  Anything bitter, I took a bite of something bitter in a soup I was enjoying and it was totally ruined for me.  The smell of alcohol is unbearable.  Pork or chicken, I've pretty much become a vegetarian when I need protein the most.  In general, food is just weird for me these days.  I don't know when an aversion will strike so I eat whatever I can when I'm feeling hungry and make sure I take my prenatal every day.  

Exercise:  I've been thinking about calling my yoga instructor.  Does that count?  No, really I will now that work has settled down a bit.  

Best Moment of the Week: Today was a good day.  We had a relaxing morning before we went in to the birthing center for some blood work.  Then we went to the mall for some preliminary baby shopping.  I've been in that baby store so many times, but, it was always for someone else.  This time it was for us! 

What I Look Forward to: Wearing some of the cute maternity clothes I got today.  And maybe, just maybe feeling my babies move in the next couple of weeks.  

And Finally, the Bump:

One of Our Own

I know many of you, dear readers, know Bernadette, but some of you may not.  I started reading her blog about a year ago.  After many years of struggling with infertility she and her husband turned to India for help and stepped onto the path of surrogacy.
On their first attempt they had the help of a donor and two surrogates.  Their first attempt failed.  On their second attempt they also had the help of a donor and two surrogates.  This time they were successful.  One surrogate was carrying twins and the other a singleton.  Unfortunately, the singleton, who they affectionately nicknamed Ken, was lost late in the first trimester.  Then at 29 weeks her twins were born, one boy and one girl.  As any mother would, Bernadette rescheduled all her travel arrangements and got on a plane and came straight to India 10 weeks before she had planned.
The twins, although early, were a very good weight.  It seemed that it would only be a few weeks that they would be in the NICU.  It seemed that their trials and tribulations would be over soon.  It seemed that their perfect little family would live happily ever after.  At that was true, for the lovely Princess Scarlett.  She did leave the NICU just a few weeks after she was born. But here we are more than 130 days later and Hayden, aka Master Cheeks, is still struggling.  He's still on oxygen, he's still in need of constant medical care.
During her time here in India Bernadette has become the unofficial welcoming committee of every IP that lands in Delhi.  She organizes dinners and shopping trips.  She introduces people and is just a constant source of strength and a know how for families on similar journeys. If you need a cheerleader, she's your girl.  If you need to know where to buy formula or have a prescription filled in the middle of the night, you can count on Bernadette.  She does all this with grace and style and with a sharp sense of humor.  She does all this while caring for her little princess.  She does all this in between trips to the NICU to visit Master Cheeks.
She has done so much for our community.  It's time to do something for her.  In order to get this perfect little family home Cheeks will need a medical team to accompany him on the flight back to the States.  Let's give them their happily ever after.  Please donate whatever you can to...
https://www.paypal.com/webapps/mpp/send-money-online 
bmhunton@gmail.com 
All donations will go directly to Bernadette and Duane.  

Wordless Wednesday

Long Awaited...

This is just going to be a quick one. We finally made it to the NT scan. I plan on writing a full play by play of the events but I want to wait until I have an actual keyboard to work with.
So all is well. We have two very active little nuggets with strong heartbeats. Baby A is way in the back so was making the tech's job pretty difficult. Meanwhile, Baby B was showing off with karate chops and somersaults. Here the are. Baby A is tucked away in the bottom left hand corner behind Baby B.

Prunes

Today I am 10 weeks. My babies are the size of prunes. In fact, I'd like to say that I even have a little bump but I know that whatever bump is there is likely due to the fact that I haven't pooped in 3 or 4 days. This morning's breakfast was raisin bran and PRUNES! Hopefully that'll get things moving. Some of my other symptoms include breast tenderness and occasional nausea. The nausea is triggered by heat and my heightened sense of smell. My breasts have gone up a full cup size! I had to go out a get new bras.
Yesterday I went in for some blood work that is part of the 12 week screening. I surprisingly haven't gained any weight yet. I hope that's ok.
In other news we still don't have Internet. Other than not being able to write proper blog posts regularly it hasn't been too bad being unplugged. We have enjoyed our visitors and focussed on getting the house decorated. Jason and I have a new love for antique/vintage shops. We found this old steam trunk from the 1920's that still has all the original drawers and hangers. It now serves as a side table to our new couch. Yesterday we found some gems at a shop in Superior. Our place is really beginning to look like ours. Next I've got to tackle to light fixtures.
So there is a bit of an update slowly pecked out one letter at a time on my iPhone. I'm so looking forward to my 12 week scan and doing my best to stay positive. I just keep telling myself that is is it. It's got to be it. These babies are my take home babies.

Right?