23rd Time's a Charm

That's what they say, right?

Continuing on my quest to stay positive as I gear up for my 23rd cycle and in the spirit of Thanksgiving here are 23 things I am grateful for.

1. My husband for being my perfect partner

2. My home for all its treasures

3. My job for the joy it brings me

4. My friends for knowing just what to say

5. Red Wine for the way it makes me feel

6. Color for the way it makes me feel

7. My Persian carpets for their beauty

8. My bed for its marshmallowy-ness

9. Pinterest for how it inspires me

10. My body for doing what it's supposed to do

11. Yangzom for being so much more than a housekeeper

12. Famous Doctor in NY for answering all of my questions

13. Delhi Doctor for her calm

14. Our summer home in MN for its peacefulness

15. My mom and dad for being so supportive

16. My 15 followers for making me feel like someone is out there

17. Christmas decorations because it's the most wonderful time of the year

18. Growing things on the balcony

19. Eating meals with friends and family

20. My two favorite babies, Ezra and Cedric

21. So You Think You Can Dance (we're a whole season behind so don't reveal the winner)

22. My principals for being so understanding of my unique needs

23. Natural IUI for making me feel less crazy and more hopeful.

So here's to a 2WW of full of hope and gratitude...

Pregnant Friends of Infertiles: Take Note

So my bestie is preggers.

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. This ISN'T going to be one of those posts where the infertile pours her pain out telling the world all the insensitive things her friends say and do. Nope! This post is full of love.

First a little history:

About a year ago K and I became fast friends. That's how it is overseas. I think there are a few factors that go into it. But, most importantly, it's that when living overseas your friends become your chosen family. Of course it helped that Jason and K's husbo, J, were having their own bromance. It wasn't long before K and J were our new favorite couple.

This all happened in the midst of the worst year of my life. In that year I went through 5 fertility treatments, 3 clomid cycles and 2 IVF cycles, all of which failed. K was always there always knowing just what to say. I often wondered how she knew whether I needed to cry or a pep talk. She just knew, I guess.

As we all know fertility treatments make you fat. So K and I started walking after school. We walked and talked about living overseas, travel and the things we miss about America. We talked about infertility and babies and her upcoming wedding. I knew K wanted to get pregnant right after her wedding. I knew they would start trying right away. And of course we talked about that too.

Now a whole lotta love:

Fast forward to August. Kelly was officially trying. We got our periods around the same time shortly after arriving back from summer break. It was so strange how it hit me. As I was picking myself up from the disappointment and gearing up for yet another cycle I knew that Kelly was going to get pregnant. This was all during my HPV debacle . This is when she showed her truly brilliant colors.

It's the hardest thing an infertile has to hear, her friend or sister or coworker telling a room full of people that she is pregnant. I think it's even harder to hear than getting a bad report from a doctor because it's public. It's so hard to explain but if you've been through this you know just how hard it is. How many of you have practiced your, "I'm so happy for you/are you fucking kidding me" face in the mirror?

This time, though, I didn't have to use it. It was the worst timing possible but K still knew just what to do. I had come home from getting my cervix scraped feeling weepy and still groggy from the anesthesia. K was 3 days late for her period so I asked and she told me. She didn't have to. She could have lied. Ha, thinking about it now maybe she didn't have a choice. Either way she knew just what to do. She told me. She told me before it was time to tell. She told me before she told her family. She told me before she told her oldest friend. She told me so that I wouldn't have to use that face.

And do you know what? It was different this time. I never had to grapple with all those mixed emotions in front of people or wonder if people felt sorry for me and were whispering. That thing, that pit in the bottom of your stomach, I never felt it. Somehow that made everything different. I can't explain it. Because now we still talk just as we always have. We talk about living overseas and travel and the things we miss about America. We talk about infertility and babies and her pregnancy. I knew K was a dear friend. I knew she always knew just what to say. And, of course, we talk about that too.

So, pregnant friends of infertiles take note. Do what you've always done, talk to your friend just as you always have. Chances are, you'll keep talking.

It's ICLW Week!

Hello fellow infertiles! So happy that you've come for a visit. Please have a look around, leave a comment and maybe even follow!

~A journey is best measured in friends rather than miles.

-Tim Cahill

Interrupted Path

Ten years ago on a beautiful September morning I was rushing around the house getting my things together. I had just called the taxi to come. I wanted to catch a 9am train into Manhattan. I was excited and nervous. In just three days I was going to leave for a trip around the world. Everything was ready to go except for one thing, I had to go into the city to get my visa for India. I had my bag in my hands and I was watching out the window for the taxi when my phone rang. It was my mother. I almost didn't answer it. She was not thrilled with my decision to travel around the world for a year by myself. I picked it up on the third ring. I heard her on the other end saying that something was happening and I couldn't go into Manhattan. I wasn't really listening and began talking over her. I remember getting frustrated with her and basically telling her I was going, whether she liked it or not. Finally, she got through. She said,"Kate, turn on the news. You're not going anywhere." She was right. I wasn't going into the city or anywhere for that matter. I turned on the television. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The first tower had been hit. News reporters were saying that a small private plane hit one of the towers. But there was so much smoke. Suddenly, I saw a small speck in the lower right hand corner of the television. Before I could process what it was it smashed into the second tower exploding as it hit. I couldn't make out what the reporter was saying. I was scared. The whole thing was so dreamlike. It took a few minutes before I knew what was really happening.

Those first few days I didn't want to believe that my trip would have to be canceled or postponed but I knew it would be. I remember the morning I was supposed to leave sitting on the back patio looking up into the sky. I could still see particles in the air from the fallen towers. I was numb but I knew I was among the lucky ones. No one in my immediate family was killed. A few came very close, but somehow made it out.

Soon, the smoke cleared. I saw my fellow New Yorkers change right before me. We were no longer rushing past each other eyes fixed. People looked at each other. People listened to each other. Shock turned to collective pride and I began to feel uplifted by the sense of community I felt. This feeling is what I held onto. This is what motivated me to continue on my interrupted path.

I never did take that trip. Instead, I headed in a new direction. I used the money I would have used for hostels, transportation and meals to pay for a masters degree. I still ended up traveling the world but, instead of doing it as a penny pinching backpacker I live and work abroad. I get to know the countries I visit more intimately. Along my path I have changed. I have become more compassionate and patient and friendly. I am truly blessed.

Ten years later I am still uplifted by humanity.

Ten years later I find myself on another interrupted path. I wonder in what direction it will take me. I wonder where it will lead me. I wonder how it will change me.

Really God, Really?

I thought I was doing everything right this time around.

I relaxed.

I went to see the famous doctor.

I relaxed.

I started acupuncture.

I relaxed.

I take my vitamins.

I relaxed.

I have been kind to my body for the last 3 months. THREE MONTHS of doing things right. Three months of finally feeling good. And for what? For it to all go to shit again.

It all started when I got my results back from the routine pap I had done in the famous doctor's office. I was sent an email from one of the office managers saying that I had evidence of high risk HPV in my pap and that I need to see a gyno immediately to have a colposcopy. Not an email you want to get. Then I looked at it and saw that the name and date of birth were wrong. I was relieved. I send an email back saying that the pap send to me was not mine. To make a very long and infuriating story short. It was informed that due to a clerical error my name and date of birth were entered incorrectly. Are you effing kidding me, Famous Doc? How can something like this happen?

Really God, really!?

So since they fucked up so bad I went for another liquid pap to make sure that I do, in fact, have high risk HPV. Surprisingly, I managed to stay relaxed. I reminded myself that there was no point in worrying until there was something to worry about. Instead I used the opportunity to go to a new doctor here in Delhi. I was feeling pretty good about things after seeing her.

It didn't last too long. As it turns out I DO, in fact, have high risk HPV.

Really God, really!

I'm a 35 year old married woman. How do I suddenly have HPV? How was this not checked in the last two paps I've had here? How did my IVF doc not see that there was something going on?

Really God, really!

Today I had my colposcopy. Luckily my period ended in time for me to go have the procedure today. We had off from school today for Eid. I tried to tell myself that I was grateful for this. I tried to stay calm. For some reason I just could help but sob on the operating room table as I waited for New Doc to come and take a look at my cervix. Did I know that I had reason to sob? Did I know that it wasn't going to be good news? Have I done something so bad that I deserve this? My cervix is covered with pre-cancer cells, covered. I'm still asking why no one noticed this the countless times doctors have been up in my business.

Really God, really!

The effected area is so big that I have to miss work on Friday to have a procedure that calls for me to be put under with general anesthesia. It means that I will need to allow my cervix to heal for up to three months before we can start trying to get pregnant again.

Really God, really!

And now, my acupuncture doctor might break up with me.

Really God, really!

Dare I ask...

What else could possibly go wrong?

13 beds: Or How I Spent My Summer NOT Thinking About Infertility

Bed #1:

We spent two glorious nights in Istanbul, Turkey, albeit in a tiny, tiny bed. Istanbul has to be one of my favorite cities in the world. We took a boat ride, saw old buildings and ate amazing food (no more diet). It was a great start to the summer.

Bed #2:

Long Island, New York. 2 nights, tiny bed. We sort of used my parent's house as a home base in the US this summer so it was the most slept in bed.

Bed #3:

Orlando, Florida. 8 nights in another tiny bed (notice a trend here?). This is where my

in-laws live. We had a nice time going to farmer's markets, Disney, and just generally hanging out and relaxing. The highlight of the trip was meeting a friend from India and her 17 siblings at the Magic Kingdom. What an incredible family. Her parents had Alicia and her older brother without any trouble. Then they struggled with infertility and ended up having triplets with the help of IVF. After that her parents began adopting children from all over the world, many with special needs. The kid's ages range from 4-34. All I can say is, "Wow!"

Bed #4:

Murphy Lake, Minnesota. 13 nights in THE most comfortable bed all summer. There was a lot happening the two weeks we spent there. Jason's grandmother, who had been suffering from lung cancer decided it was her time to go. She passed away two days after we got there. It was sad, as funerals are. But Jason and I were so grateful that we were there and could be with family. Gramma Nancy had a plan and I know she would have been so pleased to see us all together eating bars and telling stories. She was a pretty cool lady. We had fallen in love with Murphy Lake the summer before and had decided that we wanted to buy a place there. As you can tell with this blog post, our summers can be hectic. We really wanted to find somewhere we could spend a few months a year in the fresh air. We found a place that was perfect. So perfect, in fact, we didn't even look at another place. From the day we went to look at the house to closing day was about 4 weeks. It was surprisingly easy to buy a house.

Back to Bed #2 for three nights to hang with my family and eat lots of yummy seafood.

Bed #5:

Liberty, NY. Our first pitstop on a our wedding road trip. Nothing to report here. It was your average Holiday Inn bed. Big, comfy and overpriced. But it was a much needed rest stop on our way to Ottawa.

Bed #6:

Ottawa, Canada. Two nights on a futon was worth seeing our dear friends Kristi and Jason. It was so good catching up with them. I miss them loads and wish I could see them more than maybe once a year.

Bed #7:

Grand Falls, New Brunswick. After a long drive through Quebec we were looking for a place to eat some dinner and sleep. After making a few wrong turns off the Trans Canada we ended up finding this local joint called Le Kozy. They had amazing BBQ ribs. And it was so much fun listening to the locals meander between English and French effortlessly. We also learned as we were sitting there that, in true Canadian fashion (being that it's like America but different) they are in a time zone east of EASTERN STANDARD TIME! What?! Here we are at the falls.

Bed #8:

New Glasgow, Nova Scotia. Same as Bed #5. This was a pitstop to meet up with our friends before the wedding. It was Canada Day which is like The 4th of July. Another example of Canada being like America, but different. The Bride's parents had all the guests at their house for lobster rolls, games and fire works. Jason and I were the only two that showed up in Canada T-shirts. They are like 4th of July shirts, but different.

Bed #9:

Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. Three nights in what may have been the tiniest bed all summer. Hotel owners please take note: A full size bed is not intended for two people. Anyway, we had lots of fun catching up with old friends. The wedding was lots of fun. I woke up the next morning sore from all the boogying the night before. Jason and I definitely misbehaved ourselves. Nova Scotia is crazy beautiful and I'm pretty sure we overdosed on lobster and mussels by the end of our trip.

Bed #10:

Prince Edward Island, Canada. After the wedding we headed up to PEI to eat more mussels and visit more friends from our days in Korea. Our friend's son was my student when he was a second grader and is now going into middle school. It was so cool sitting around and talking with him.

Bed #11:

Fryeburg, Maine. Two nights hanging with friends from India. There is nothing like being with friends from India, not even being with friends from Korea. We are lucky to have friends and family who are supportive and even curious about what we do, but, it's our friends in India that truly get it. It was here that I got the inspiration for this blog entry. Our friends had also slept in 13 different beds this summer.

Bed #12:

Danville, Vermont for wedding #2. Three nights at Injunjoe's Cabins. This little piece of Americana was by far the best place we stayed all summer. It was, also, the most uncomfortable bed we slept in. It was owned by this little old Quebecois lady that we affectionately called Nona. It was built in the 50's and hasn't been updated since. We shared a little cabin with Alicia (the one with 17 siblings). There were about 45 other guests from the wedding there and it turned into quite the party place. Like hanging with friends from India, there is, also, nothing like meeting friends and family of our friends from India.

Needless to say the wedding itself was loads of fun. There was more misbehaving andI woke up the following day feeling sore from getting down on the dance floor.

The day after the wedding was spent in the sunshine hanging with the newlyweds eating left over guacamole and drinking micheladas. That day we decided that we really wanted to head back to MN for the closing. So the next day we headed back to bed #2 for two nights and then flew to MN in time for the closing.

We slept in Bed #4 for one night before closing. I also happened to be ovulating so I'm currently hoping that the luck we had with the house will somehow extend to my uterus. Now that we are on the subject I just wanted to mention that not only was I ovulating, but I actually had a sex drive like in the days before fertility drugs. And I had had one ALL SUMMER. Can I get a "hell yeah" for that!

Finally Bed #13:

Murphy Lake, Minnesota. Three nights on a blow up mattress in our new home! It was a magical three days there. Our house is empty but we managed to have our first dinner party. We even had unexpected guests, as tends to happen on Murphy. We made a fire pit and met our new neighbors. We would have loved to stay longer but we had to get back to NY to go see Famous Doctor. So we said our good-byes and made plans for next summer.

Back to Bed #2:

Long Island, NY for some QT with my family. We are actually staying 8 nights here, 5 down 3 more to go. These last days of summer for us are about hanging with old friends, and my nieces and nephews, eating some sweet corn and, oh yeah, Famous Doctor. We went to see him on Wednesday. It was so nice sitting down with a doctor who wasn't in any kind of rush. He sat with us for an entire hour and went over all that we have already done and explained what he wanted us to do. Basically, we still don't know why I'm not getting pregnant and there are a number of cultures and blood tests that both Jason and I can get to help us understand why. I feel so much more comfortable with this approach. I, also, know that I wouldn't have been as open to it a year ago. I was is such a state of panic that I wouldn't have listened. I just wanted to get pregnant already. I still do. But I am accepting that, for me, it is going to take some time. So that's where we are. This summer is just what the doctor ordered, that and some lab tests. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm looking forward to getting back to India.

I feel rested and calm. I'm ready to continue my journey...

Moving Forward, New Diet and New Doc

In the last year and a half I have gained about 18 pounds due to stress and fertility drugs. I'm only 5'3 so that's quite a lot. I saw pictures of myself back in march and couldn't believe how I looked. I was always thin and in shape. So when the scale tipped at 131 pounds I decided that I had to do something about it. I had never been on a diet in my life and had no idea where to begin. My friend, Kelly, introduced me to the slow carb diet. Basically I cut out all kinds of crappy carbs and replaced them with beans. I also increased my veggie intake, which was already pretty good. Between IVF #1 and number #2 I lost 11 pounds in about three weeks. I felt great! I noticed how much better I felt not eating wheat. I don't think I suffer from celiac disease or anything but I think that I can do without so much wheat. The first week or two was great. Although, I have to admit it got old by the third week. I longed for the cheat day all week long. The day after the cheat day I remembered that wheat and I don't get along so well. Once I went in for my egg retrieval I stopped the diet but was still very conscious of what I ate.

In those few weeks I managed to maintain my wait. So after IVF #2 failed I decided to give it a try again. This time I'm not being nearly as restrictive. I am reading The Fertility Diet and am using a lot of the suggestions in there as well. I've switched to whole milk for my coffee instead of slim or soy. That goes for yogurt, as well. According to the slow carb rules you're not supposed to eat fruit. I just can't buy into that. This time around is also the end of the school year. There is a social function just about every day. It's been really hard not to cheat but I've managed to lose two pounds in one week. I only have 6 or 7 more pounds to go until I reach my wedding wait. I hope I can do it before we leave for summer in two weeks. The hardest part isn't the food, it's the wine. And I know that drinking wine is not helping my fertility. I guess I just have to have the same mindset as I would if I were pregnant. sigh.

Another really big development is that I also have an appointment with Dr. Sami David on July 14th. I just read his book Making Babies. I'm really inspired by it. I want to talk to a doctor who will answer my questions. I want a doctor who will try to really figure out why I'm not getting pregnant. I know that I have a low ovarian reserve. But I don't know how low or what that really means. I don't know how many more IVF cycles I can take, if any. My current doctor won't even talk to me about other options. I want to know if something LESS invasive might actually work for me. Or, I should just give up trying to use my own eggs and go with a donor eggs. I'm really hoping that we can be like one of those couples in the anecdotals in Making babies where Dr David discovers some easy solution to the problem. I'd be happy if he just listed some viable options for me and helped us to decide which one is best for us. For now, I'm patiently waiting...