Friday, January 27, 2012


In the past month I have had several brilliant blog posts brewing in my mind but I kept getting distracted and before I had time to write, whatever had been brewing was no longer current. As I'm sure you can all relate, things are forever changing when you're in this strange land of IF. One minute you're feeling great, the hope welling up inside you and then one weird test result or a twinge in your lower regions sends you into a pit of despair.

I had been cooking up one blog post whilst exploring the ancient ruins of Angkor Wat or sitting on a beach in Thailand with some of my best friends in the world. I had planned on writing about our visit to Bumrungrad and our time with friends and how we spent our anniversary at the resort where we were married two years ago and about Jason's rock star semen analysis. It was entitled "Eating Pineapple." But I was distracted by too many banana coladas.

The gang hanging out in Siem Reap.

Here we are at Moonlight Bay Resort celebrating 2 years of wedded bliss.

Upon our return from Thailand I was so excited to get back. I love my long holidays but I also love my job and my life here in Delhi. First order of business was to catch up with all my favorite bloggers I'd missed during my three weeks away. I was happy to read about Tippy and her developing twins and, of course, the ever funny Jay who had just dropped out of birthing class. I loved reading about Heather waiting hopefully for her first ultrasound after her BFP. But I was so saddened by Jill waiting with such strength to miscarry. And I was so angry and sad for CGD as she fights to save her marriage while not letting go of her dream to be a mother. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I mean, look how friggin happy those people are. I played the game. I followed the rules. We all did. I was all worked up and ready to write the "Life" post when I was distracted by the familiar twinges in my uterus.

Yup, that's right. Despite the rock star semen analysis I got my period. I felt myself slipping into the deep downs again as I realized that during my next ovulation Jason would be traveling for a hockey tournament in Ladakh. I desperately didn't want him to go but hockey is truly his passion and he didn't get to go last year because of an IVF cycle. This post was entitled "Letting Go." Jason wanted desperately for me to let him go. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let him go but I knew I had to muster up the strength to let this cycle go. I had to, for Jason, for me, for us. And Jason, he needed to decide to whether or not to go without my approval. He had to, for him and for us. He decided to go and I let go.

Just as I was getting ready to post I got distracted by my thoughts. I began to wonder how much longer I'd be able to do this. As I was wondering I had another idea for a blog post. I remember wondering some time ago how people go on living in the land of IF for years and years. I wondered how they had the strength to survive that long. I wondered why they chose to keep going. I wondered why all the treatments never worked. I wondered how long I would be here. Will I ever get my passport out? Will I ever make it out of here with a baby or will I choose to leave/live childless? I felt those deep downs welling up again. This post was to be entitled, "The Land of IF."

But, just as I have done 24 other times I picked myself up by my bootstraps and carried on. I decided this time it would be me that caused the distraction. I started getting up early and meeting my friend at the gym. I started eating right again. I started feeling better. I thought, "yes, this is just what I need, a whole month of eating healthy and working out and not thinking about infertility," only to be distracted yet again. Two weeks ago, about the time that Jason was deciding whether or not to go to Ladakh I saw an add on the internet for this guy...
Introducing Tashi Michelada Cole-ivan.
He is an 8 week old Tibetan Terrier.
Tashi is the Tibetan word for luck.
Michelada is our favorite Mexican beverage.
Cole-ivan is our names smushed together.

He is the greatest distraction of all.