Friday, January 27, 2012


In the past month I have had several brilliant blog posts brewing in my mind but I kept getting distracted and before I had time to write, whatever had been brewing was no longer current. As I'm sure you can all relate, things are forever changing when you're in this strange land of IF. One minute you're feeling great, the hope welling up inside you and then one weird test result or a twinge in your lower regions sends you into a pit of despair.

I had been cooking up one blog post whilst exploring the ancient ruins of Angkor Wat or sitting on a beach in Thailand with some of my best friends in the world. I had planned on writing about our visit to Bumrungrad and our time with friends and how we spent our anniversary at the resort where we were married two years ago and about Jason's rock star semen analysis. It was entitled "Eating Pineapple." But I was distracted by too many banana coladas.

The gang hanging out in Siem Reap.

Here we are at Moonlight Bay Resort celebrating 2 years of wedded bliss.

Upon our return from Thailand I was so excited to get back. I love my long holidays but I also love my job and my life here in Delhi. First order of business was to catch up with all my favorite bloggers I'd missed during my three weeks away. I was happy to read about Tippy and her developing twins and, of course, the ever funny Jay who had just dropped out of birthing class. I loved reading about Heather waiting hopefully for her first ultrasound after her BFP. But I was so saddened by Jill waiting with such strength to miscarry. And I was so angry and sad for CGD as she fights to save her marriage while not letting go of her dream to be a mother. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I mean, look how friggin happy those people are. I played the game. I followed the rules. We all did. I was all worked up and ready to write the "Life" post when I was distracted by the familiar twinges in my uterus.

Yup, that's right. Despite the rock star semen analysis I got my period. I felt myself slipping into the deep downs again as I realized that during my next ovulation Jason would be traveling for a hockey tournament in Ladakh. I desperately didn't want him to go but hockey is truly his passion and he didn't get to go last year because of an IVF cycle. This post was entitled "Letting Go." Jason wanted desperately for me to let him go. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let him go but I knew I had to muster up the strength to let this cycle go. I had to, for Jason, for me, for us. And Jason, he needed to decide to whether or not to go without my approval. He had to, for him and for us. He decided to go and I let go.

Just as I was getting ready to post I got distracted by my thoughts. I began to wonder how much longer I'd be able to do this. As I was wondering I had another idea for a blog post. I remember wondering some time ago how people go on living in the land of IF for years and years. I wondered how they had the strength to survive that long. I wondered why they chose to keep going. I wondered why all the treatments never worked. I wondered how long I would be here. Will I ever get my passport out? Will I ever make it out of here with a baby or will I choose to leave/live childless? I felt those deep downs welling up again. This post was to be entitled, "The Land of IF."

But, just as I have done 24 other times I picked myself up by my bootstraps and carried on. I decided this time it would be me that caused the distraction. I started getting up early and meeting my friend at the gym. I started eating right again. I started feeling better. I thought, "yes, this is just what I need, a whole month of eating healthy and working out and not thinking about infertility," only to be distracted yet again. Two weeks ago, about the time that Jason was deciding whether or not to go to Ladakh I saw an add on the internet for this guy...
Introducing Tashi Michelada Cole-ivan.
He is an 8 week old Tibetan Terrier.
Tashi is the Tibetan word for luck.
Michelada is our favorite Mexican beverage.
Cole-ivan is our names smushed together.

He is the greatest distraction of all.


  1. OMGosh! Tashi is cute! Congrats on the little guy, he will definitely be a great distraction.

    I love the photos and hearing about your great vacation! So sorry AF arrived. She's such a downer. About your wondering how we women carry on trying to get pregnant? It just something you have to do if you want to become a mom. If you stop trying, then it is almost sure that it will never happen. For me, for a long time, that wasn't something I could accept. Although, IVF #3 was going to be our last attempt (at least for the foreseeable future) and so that makes it all the more lucky for us. I was going through the process (mentally) to prepare myself to never be a mom. And that was hard! It was very heart breaking. It can still happen that this will end and I won't be a mom, but I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm trying to enjoy.

    Enjoy your Tashi, keep working out and enjoying this positive break. When Jason gets back, you'll be refreshed and ready to go!

    And thanks for the mention. :)

  2. That is a great (super cute) distraction.

    You said a lot in this post. It really made me think about time and IF. When I think about the last 3 years, or time in general, i have to remind myself that other life experiences happen around and between IF, many of them fun, happy times. I can't let IF claim the last 3 years.

    Thank you for linking to my blog.

  3. just found your site and its so beautifully written and full of emotions. i wish you all the best in your journey and pray that you find heaps of joy soon

  4. Hi! Found you through Tippy's blog (in the comments section) and was so happy to see you met your hubby in Korea (we're adopting from there, so naturally I'm obsessed)! I'm also animal-obsessed and my 2 cats and 2 dogs keep me quite entertained. So, while I'm so sorry that this cycle didn't work out and that you're working on letting go, I'm also so happy that the *adorable* Tashi found a forever home. :) Congrats on your new furbaby.

  5. Thanks for writing about me and being happy for me. I so hope that you get to be here some day soon. I'm sorry that the rock star swimmers didn't get the job done. I totally understand the "how much longer" feeling. Ya know, I think you just keep putting one foot in front of the other sometimes until you realize what your next step is or that you are done. If you try to stay focused on just the present, it makes it a bit easier.... Oh and Tashi is amazing!!!!! Sucha cutie :-) Congrats

  6. I love him. He is so cute. Dogs can make life so much better even if it is just small moments here and there. I hope you are still distracted and going to the gym. But I know that no one can stay distracted all day even with the cutest little distractions....we love ya K