Sunday, March 4, 2012

The IF Monster Reared Its Ugly Head

I am sure this has happened to you before because it's not the first time it's happened to me. There I was, minding my own business, holding it all together when, BLAMO, the IF monster reared its ugly head. Well, to be fair, I was trying to hold it all together. It hadn't been easy. I had just gotten my 26th unwanted period, I'm starting clomid AGAIN, it seems that everyone I know is pregnant including all the infertiles, AND I'm in the midst of planning a baby shower for my bestie.

My husbo and I had decided to throw a last minute happy hour at our house on Friday and I had had a bit to drink. I was sharing with some people that I was feeling a bit slighted because a woman who was invited to the shower had decided to have her own party the same day. No one seemed to agree with me. I was being silly, I know. At the same time another person was going on and on about how my bestie doesn't like yellow and the shower color scheme is yellow and gray. That's when it happened. I came completely undone. I stood up and beating my fists on the table while saying, "I'm an infertile planning a baby shower I'm doing the best I can! Back off!" The room fell silent and then cleared out pretty quickly. So, needless to say I'm feeling a bit embarrassed and sorry for myself. Normally I can shake these things off and put on a brave face, especially in front of people. The truth is that I don't care very much about that other woman's party and I know that my friend is going to love everything I put together for her. Yeah, I'm sad and all, but, that's nothing new.

Why is it that it all comes crumbling down when you least expect it?

How much longer will I have to manage my pain?


  1. Don't be too hard on yourself... SEnding big hugs and know that it's ok to let out your emotions... it happens. it's hard to put on a happy face all the time to others in your life who don't understand... I'm sure your friend is going to LOVE your shower. Thinking of you and hoping that you don't have to manage through the pain too much longer.

  2. Oh Kate, I totally had a flashback when I read this post. My IVF cycle had recently failed and we were at a cookout and this lady has a 3 month old that she's breastfeeding (of course) and she's complaining about how she's pregnant again and what bad luck she has. Well I lose it. I've never even met the woman and I tell her what I think and spend the rest of the party in the car sobbing. (Luckily my older sister, an IF veteran herself, is with me and takes care of me.)You're an amazing friend to throw the shower, and I know that your best friend will appreciate every second of it-- and return the favor threefold when it's your turn! xo

  3. I agree with Tippy - you are a strong amazing woman, Kate, and your emotions deserve to be expressed. The shower will be fab - bacon fat KNOWS how to throw a party! ;) You are in my thoughts, friend.

  4. Sorry for the horrible moment.

    Your last line really spoke to me. I'm having one of those days myself.

  5. I want to write encouraging words....but I know that isn't the first thing one in pain needs....instead I give you this moment...I give you my full heart and attention....I give you love....I give you all of me.