Brave Face

Throughout repeated cycles of starting over, building hope, waiting, and utter devastation one way I cope is by putting on a brave face. That's 27 cycles of brave faces.

For the most part this works well for me. Day to day it keeps me out of the depths of depression and helps my live my life a little. I, also, do it becuase I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know it shouldn't, but it matters what people think of me. I want people to see me as a strong woman and a good person. I do it so that people can see that side of me.

The thing is that sometimes it doesn't work out so well for me. Sometimes I think I need a little pity, or at least a little sensitivity. I think sometimes, people think I can handle anything, that nothing really bothers me. But that is not true. How can it be? I'm facing one of the most difficult things a person can go through. Things get to me.

It hurts when someone makes an insensitive comment or a joke.

It hurts when people ask me, "Is so and so pregnant?"

Hell, it hurts when I HEAR the word "pregnant."

It hurts when I have to endure my colleagues making the same "pregnant brain" joke over and over again about my pregnant BFF.

It hurts when someone says, "well, you don't have kids so..."

It hurts that I miss out on things when I have to tend to my infertility.

It hurts when friends don't check in on me after a treatment or a blood test.

It hurts

Every minute

Of every day

Deep

Down

In

My

Soul.