Worry

I can't seem to help it. On Friday I noticed that I wasn't feeling any nausea and I began to worry. We had guests all weekend and I quietly worried. Sunday night after the all left I told jason that I hadn't felt nauseous in three days and that I was worried. I had also been getting these weird cramps in my vagina. I was worried that maybe I was miscarrying one or both of the babies. I'm on susten 400 twice a day and I was worried that it would mask a miscarriage. Does anyone know if this is true. If a woman on progesterone suppositories had a miscarriage could it go unnoticed until her next ultrasound? By this morning I had gotten myself into such a tizzy that I called the doc and asked if I could come in. I am happy to report that the beans are just fine. I saw both of their little hearts flickering away. Twin B is really far back and not easy to get a good look at but doc said by 12 weeks we will be able to get a much better look. After we left the office I cried my eyes out. I was so relieved. I want so much to enjoy this pregnancy. If I could only stop worrying so much.

Three weeks until my 12 week scan.

Beans

I threw up for the first time last night. I also reached the eight week mark. there are still those days that I don't feel pregnant at all but I'm not as worried about it as I had been. After our scan 2 weeks ago the doc said we didn't need to come in for the 8 weeks scan and that we could just wait until we go in for the 12 week scan. At the time it seemed like a good idea because our insurance will not cover any pregnancy that was achieved using ART. Doctors visits, scans and meds are all very expensive in the States and we have to pay out of pocket for all of it. Now that i have another four weeks to wait until I see the beans I'm wishing we kept that appointment. At this point it's too late and I'm just going to have to be patient.
In other news we are really enjoying our little piece of America. My parents came for a week. Jason ran a half marathon. We are still working on projects around the house. And this weekend jason's cousins and their wives are all coming up. So now I'm off to plan a menu for the weekend before my nausea kicks in.

Lentils

I slept surprisingly well last night considering how emotional I was about today's scan. Maybe it was the big storm that passed over the iron range last night. I always sleep well when it's storming outside. I did wake up much earlier than I wanted to. Tashi was up at 5:30 wanting to go out and to eat. So after anfew chores around the house, cereal for breakfast (which is all I can stomach), and a pre appointment shower we were in the car headed an hour south to see our summer doctor. We didn't wait long before we were called in and put in a room. Summer doc came in immediately congratulating us. My response was some thing along the lines of, "let's not get ahead of ourselves." So then he asked me some questions get me up on the chair with stirrups (no stirrups in India) and rolled in the ultrasound machine. Then we got to see the little lentils. Two beautiful, strong flickering heartbeats. One is measuring 6w4d and the other is 6w3d. This is actually beginning to feel real. I am actually pregnant with twins. This could really be it.

The Other 2WW

It's been about a week since my five week scan.  A lot has happened in this past week.  Jason and I have travelled half way across the world from Delhi to Minnesota.  It was a long journey that took a total of about 36 hours.  I'm happy to report that we've all, Tashi included, settled in nicely to life on the lake.  Our days are filled with cooking, eating, napping, and projects around the house.  We've taken a few jaunts to the nearby town for some shopping too.  Although I still haven't quite adjusted to not having regular access to internet it hasn't been too bad.  Overall life is pretty damn good.  I have very little to complain about and yet, still, I worry.

Today I'm six weeks pregnant.  Most of the time I don't feel very pregnant and that worries the crap out of me.  I keep questioning if I'm tired because of jet lag or if it's because I'm pregnant.  The sore breasts could just be from the progesterone or it could be because I'm pregnant, that goes for the gas and constipation too.  I keep telling myself that I should just be grateful that I'm not having debilitating pregnancy symptoms, that maybe, I'll be lucky and have an easy pregnancy.  But, I just want to be sure that there really ARE two little beans growing in there.  

I have another week to wait until I get to see them again.  This wait has been much more difficult than any two week wait I've ever endured.  All those other times you just hope it works.  All those other times I knew when it hadn't long before the beta.  All those other times I had a plan; I knew what my next steps would be.

This time is different.

This time I have so much more to lose.

I don't have a plan for what happens if we don't see any heartbeats.

This time the wait is excruciating.