Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Pregnant Friends of Infertiles: Take Note

So my bestie is preggers.

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. This ISN'T going to be one of those posts where the infertile pours her pain out telling the world all the insensitive things her friends say and do. Nope! This post is full of love.

First a little history:

About a year ago K and I became fast friends. That's how it is overseas. I think there are a few factors that go into it. But, most importantly, it's that when living overseas your friends become your chosen family. Of course it helped that Jason and K's husbo, J, were having their own bromance. It wasn't long before K and J were our new favorite couple.

This all happened in the midst of the worst year of my life. In that year I went through 5 fertility treatments, 3 clomid cycles and 2 IVF cycles, all of which failed. K was always there always knowing just what to say. I often wondered how she knew whether I needed to cry or a pep talk. She just knew, I guess.

As we all know fertility treatments make you fat. So K and I started walking after school. We walked and talked about living overseas, travel and the things we miss about America. We talked about infertility and babies and her upcoming wedding. I knew K wanted to get pregnant right after her wedding. I knew they would start trying right away. And of course we talked about that too.

Now a whole lotta love:

Fast forward to August. Kelly was officially trying. We got our periods around the same time shortly after arriving back from summer break. It was so strange how it hit me. As I was picking myself up from the disappointment and gearing up for yet another cycle I knew that Kelly was going to get pregnant. This was all during my HPV debacle . This is when she showed her truly brilliant colors.

It's the hardest thing an infertile has to hear, her friend or sister or coworker telling a room full of people that she is pregnant. I think it's even harder to hear than getting a bad report from a doctor because it's public. It's so hard to explain but if you've been through this you know just how hard it is. How many of you have practiced your, "I'm so happy for you/are you fucking kidding me" face in the mirror?

This time, though, I didn't have to use it. It was the worst timing possible but K still knew just what to do. I had come home from getting my cervix scraped feeling weepy and still groggy from the anesthesia. K was 3 days late for her period so I asked and she told me. She didn't have to. She could have lied. Ha, thinking about it now maybe she didn't have a choice. Either way she knew just what to do. She told me. She told me before it was time to tell. She told me before she told her family. She told me before she told her oldest friend. She told me so that I wouldn't have to use that face.

And do you know what? It was different this time. I never had to grapple with all those mixed emotions in front of people or wonder if people felt sorry for me and were whispering. That thing, that pit in the bottom of your stomach, I never felt it. Somehow that made everything different. I can't explain it. Because now we still talk just as we always have. We talk about living overseas and travel and the things we miss about America. We talk about infertility and babies and her pregnancy. I knew K was a dear friend. I knew she always knew just what to say. And, of course, we talk about that too.

So, pregnant friends of infertiles take note. Do what you've always done, talk to your friend just as you always have. Chances are, you'll keep talking.


  1. The universe has a way of connecting people at just the right time and just the right place. You both are lucky to have each other.

  2. What a fantastic and very caring friend. I agree that we do need to keep talking and and not avoiding these subjects. It only serves to make us feel more normal and accepted and hopeful. Sending hugs.