Brave Face

Throughout repeated cycles of starting over, building hope, waiting, and utter devastation one way I cope is by putting on a brave face. That's 27 cycles of brave faces.

For the most part this works well for me. Day to day it keeps me out of the depths of depression and helps my live my life a little. I, also, do it becuase I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know it shouldn't, but it matters what people think of me. I want people to see me as a strong woman and a good person. I do it so that people can see that side of me.

The thing is that sometimes it doesn't work out so well for me. Sometimes I think I need a little pity, or at least a little sensitivity. I think sometimes, people think I can handle anything, that nothing really bothers me. But that is not true. How can it be? I'm facing one of the most difficult things a person can go through. Things get to me.

It hurts when someone makes an insensitive comment or a joke.

It hurts when people ask me, "Is so and so pregnant?"

Hell, it hurts when I HEAR the word "pregnant."

It hurts when I have to endure my colleagues making the same "pregnant brain" joke over and over again about my pregnant BFF.

It hurts when someone says, "well, you don't have kids so..."

It hurts that I miss out on things when I have to tend to my infertility.

It hurts when friends don't check in on me after a treatment or a blood test.

It hurts

Every minute

Of every day

Deep

Down

In

My

Soul.

The IF Monster Reared Its Ugly Head

I am sure this has happened to you before because it's not the first time it's happened to me. There I was, minding my own business, holding it all together when, BLAMO, the IF monster reared its ugly head. Well, to be fair, I was trying to hold it all together. It hadn't been easy. I had just gotten my 26th unwanted period, I'm starting clomid AGAIN, it seems that everyone I know is pregnant including all the infertiles, AND I'm in the midst of planning a baby shower for my bestie.

My husbo and I had decided to throw a last minute happy hour at our house on Friday and I had had a bit to drink. I was sharing with some people that I was feeling a bit slighted because a woman who was invited to the shower had decided to have her own party the same day. No one seemed to agree with me. I was being silly, I know. At the same time another person was going on and on about how my bestie doesn't like yellow and the shower color scheme is yellow and gray. That's when it happened. I came completely undone. I stood up and beating my fists on the table while saying, "I'm an infertile planning a baby shower I'm doing the best I can! Back off!" The room fell silent and then cleared out pretty quickly. So, needless to say I'm feeling a bit embarrassed and sorry for myself. Normally I can shake these things off and put on a brave face, especially in front of people. The truth is that I don't care very much about that other woman's party and I know that my friend is going to love everything I put together for her. Yeah, I'm sad and all, but, that's nothing new.

Why is it that it all comes crumbling down when you least expect it?

How much longer will I have to manage my pain?