I've started and restarted this post several times already. The enormity of all this is too difficult to fully capture in a blog post. We've met with several doctors here in Delhi and back in the states via phone and really nothing much has changed from the initial diagnosis.
It's still as bad as it gets. We are facing having to choose between two nightmares, each with its own set of terrifying consequences.
What has changed is that the initial shock of it all has lifted a bit. Sunday has been the worst day since the diagnosis. The pain of it has now fully settled in. This sadness is unlike any other I've felt. This sadness runs so much deeper than the sadness that surrounds infertility. I never thought that that was even possible, that something could hurt more than years of failed fertility treatments. The thing is though, as the shock lifted and the pain settled in, with it came some clarity as well. Yes, this is the worst pain I've ever felt. But, like the pain of infertility, I get to choose how to live with it.
Years ago, when the reality of my struggle was becoming more and more clear, I had decided that I would not be jealous of pregnant women. I would not ask why me. I would not let the bitterness in. Instead, through the pain, I focussed on the joy in my life. Jason and I had always marveled at our incredible life. We have so much to be thankful for, friends near and far, a supportive family, jobs that we truly love and the people we have had opportunities to meet along the way like Yangzom. She came to work for us as a housekeeper and has now become part of our family. And that's not even to mention things like our travel opportunities or the beautiful things we have collected for our home from around the world. These are just some of the things that bring me joy.
When we got the diagnosis last week I felt the joy get sucked out of me. Since then, I have come to realize that, although many of the things that bring us joy may not be part of our lives for a while or not at all any more, Jason and I made our lives joyful. Somehow we will find a way to do that again. I don't really know how, but we will.
Right now sadness consumes me, but, slowly I will allow joy back in bit by bit. Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow I will celebrate with a few dear friends. We will eat Thai food and yummy cake. Tomorrow I will allow room for joy, if only just a bit.