Last year, when we were beginning the IVF process, I was feeling very optimistic. Even after my first ultrasound I was optimistic. I only had four follicles growing and yet, I was optimistic. Our mantra was, "it only takes one." On our second attempt things were pretty much the same. I had four follicles, only two of which produced eggs, and yet, I remained optimistic, repeating my mantra over and over again. When our attempts failed I was devastated. I felt the loss just as I would have had I had a miscarriage. I felt like a failure. I felt broken, and yet, I remained optimistic. I hear people say that they don't want to get their hopes up too high because they don't want to be let down. I don't believe that if I hadn't been optimistic I would have felt less devastated, less of a failure. Throughout this journey, I've tried both optimism and despondency and what I have found is that the feelings of devastation and failure are same no matter how you approach something.
Here we are a year and a half later on a new path and I continue to be optimistic. I am not foolish, I know there are no guarantees, but I don't know how to be any other way. Possibility is invigorating. This time, much more than any other time, I am filled to the brim with optimism. Whenever I take another step forward I feel my chest fill up and I feel my face brighten. This is how I choose to move through this journey. This is
how who I want to BE, no matter what the outcome.
And now, my friends, some stats:
Thursday: After a day with the stomach virus that has spread like wild fire on our campus I went in for a lining check. All is well. My lining is fat and juicy at 8.2!
Friday: unrelated, but very exciting! Bestie had her baby girl! Veda Grace was born May 4, 2012 at 3:55pm. Jason and I were invited to the hospital for a sneak peek just hours later. She's, of course, perfect!
Saturday: Donor report came in! It looks like we'll have 17-18 eggs on harvest day! Oh and now Jason has the virus and he's got it way worse than I had :( (poor Muggy Bear)
Sunday: I'm going in for another lining check. Um, did anyone notice that it's Sunday? The baby maker is going to be there anyway so she's going to see me for a quick check. I'm glad for it too, because this way I don't have to miss any more work on Monday. :)
Wednesday: This will be egg collection day! Eek!