Optimism

Last year, when we were beginning the IVF process, I was feeling very optimistic.  Even after my first ultrasound I was optimistic.  I only had four follicles growing and yet, I was optimistic.   Our mantra was, "it only takes one."  On our second attempt things were pretty much the same.  I had four follicles, only two of which produced eggs, and yet, I remained optimistic, repeating my mantra over and over again.  When our attempts failed I was devastated.  I felt the loss just as I would have had I had a miscarriage.  I felt like a failure.  I felt broken, and yet, I remained optimistic.  I hear people say that they don't want to get their hopes up too high because they don't want to be let down.  I don't believe that if I hadn't been optimistic I would have felt less devastated, less of a failure.  Throughout this journey, I've tried both optimism and  despondency and what I have found is that the feelings of devastation and failure are same no matter how you approach something.  

Here we are a year and a half later on a new path and I continue to be optimistic.  I am not foolish, I know there are no guarantees, but I don't know how to be any other way.  Possibility is invigorating.  This time, much more than any other time, I am filled to the brim with optimism.  Whenever I take another step forward I feel my chest fill up and I feel my face brighten.  This is how I choose to move through this journey.  This is how who I want to BE, no matter what the outcome.

And now, my friends, some stats:

Thursday:  After a day with the stomach virus that has spread like wild fire on our campus I went in for a lining check.  All is well.  My lining is fat and juicy at 8.2!

Friday: unrelated, but very exciting!  Bestie had her baby girl!  Veda Grace was born May 4, 2012 at 3:55pm.  Jason and I were invited to the hospital for a sneak peek just hours later.  She's, of course, perfect!

Saturday:  Donor report came in!  It looks like we'll have 17-18 eggs on harvest day!  Oh and now Jason has the virus and he's got it way worse than I had :( (poor Muggy Bear)

Sunday: I'm going in for another lining check.  Um, did anyone notice that it's Sunday?  The baby maker is going to be there anyway so she's going to see me for a quick check.  I'm glad for it too, because this way I don't have to miss any more work on Monday. :)

Wednesday:  This will be egg collection day!  Eek!